“Death stalks us from the moment we are born,” writes Kathleen Miller, author of Last Laughs: Funny Tombstone Quotes, “and we all know that someday, somehow, we will have to confront our own mortality. In this final feud, why shouldn’t we have we have the last word? Hence the epitaph.” While some epitaphs are perfunctory, listing the name of the deceased, role in the family, and dates, some are bold, brash, and downright funny. Here are some funny epitaphs from actual tombstones:
Here lies the body of J. Blake / Stepped on the gas pedal instead of the parking brake
Too bad for heaven, too good for Hell / So, where he’s gone, I cannot tell
Here lies the carcass / Of a cursed sinner / Doomed to be roasted / For the Devil’s dinner
I told you I was ill
We must all die, there is no doubt / Your glass is running—mine is out.
Here lies an atheist / All dressed up / And no place to go.
Here lies a Foote / Whose death may thousands save / For Death now has one Foote / Within the grave
Here lies the body of J. Fiddle / In 1868, on the 30th day of June / He went out of tune.
Here lies Ned / There is nothing more to be said / Because we like to speak well of the dead.
Those who knew him best deplored him most
Here lies Peter, who was accidentally shot in his 30th year / This monument was erected by grateful relatives.
Here lies the body of E. White / She signaled left, and turned right.
Born 1903 – Died 1942 / Looked up an elevator shaft to see if the / Car was on the way down. / It was.
She always said her feet were killing her, but nobody believed her.
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